No More Tape

The last strip of bandaging came off in the bath this morning.

Ok. It didn't just come off. I peeled it off. Slowly, hesitantly, I tugged it bit by bit from my side to my center. With each milimeter that came loose, I examined my skin to make sure there was no open wound any more. There wasn't. All the skin had joined together and sealed shut. There was a smooth white line marking where these parts of me used to not touch each other.


As the tape came loose, so did my last irrational hope. Apparently, I believed on some level that when this white stuff came off...my breast would magically pop out again! I didn't know I was holding out for this...but I sure felt shocked when it didn't happen. No doubt about it. It's really gone.

Without my right breast, my chest isn't quite flat on that side. My upper ribs show through in weird diagnol ridges that I can't quite make sense of. The skin around the scar is wrinkled and puffy. I hope it's just from having that sticky stuff on it for so long. There is still some swelling underneath. It's hard to tell how much.

I have a tiny little mole just south of my new seam. I must've always had it, but I never saw it until now. I couldn't with my breast in the way! When I'm finished writing this I'm going to go get a mirror and take a good look at my other side. What might be hiding under my left breast?

This is disgusting, but I still have tacky smears of glue stuck to my body from the first round of post-surgery packaging. A lot of it has come off, but there are still a few stubborn little patches that hang on. Here is my advice for anyone else recovering from a mastectomy. Don't even try to scrub at it. Even though it hurts like hell, you might think it will be worth it to feel really clean again. It's not worth the pain because it doesn't work. I tried everything short of gasoline and nothing rubbed it off. Instead, delicately pinch the glue spot and pull it slowly away. Sometimes you'll just get a little spot of it. Sometimes a satisfying mini-strip of it will peel away, like a bad sunburn does. Sometimes you'll get nothing. The pinching can hurt a little. But, strangely, the pulling doesn't hurt at all!

I remember when I was first able to see the new shape of my chest. I could hardly stand to look at it. I was appalled. I was panicked. I was freaked-out. I think this was mostly because I was also in so much physical pain. While my nerve endings were sending a thousand messages that said something was drastically wrong and the visual information indicated that some part of my body was missing, alarmed revulsion was my inevitable response.

Today, I'm fascinated. I can't stop pulling up my shirt in front of the mirror or peeking into my V-neck sweater. It looks strange, but kind of cool. Edgy. Isn't symmetry a little old-fashioned anyway?