What now?

Diane is really nice look at. She’s tall, with a great figure and beautiful posture. If it’s true that you should never trust a skinny cook, then maybe it is also true that you can safely turn your body over to a trim, fit and lovely physical therapist. She’s also got great style. When I met her, she was wearing a simple, but elegant, green top in a soft lightweight knitted fabric. It scooped low across her chest, revealing a black tank top underneath. The front had a few twists and pleats in it that added interest to the texture and tastefully accentuated her full bosom and narrow waist.

This was before I got my new prosthetic. I was wearing 3 socks that morning; two on my feet and one on my chest. I’m surprised I wasn’t jealous of her. Maybe I wasn’t because she was so extremely nice to me. Or maybe I’ll never be jealous of any body every again, with my new found gratitude for my own blessings. I hope it’s the latter.

I’m going to imagine it one step further. Maybe because I’m not jealous of other people anymore, I’ll loose any trace of worry about other people being jealous of me. Maybe this new subconscious state will free me to live the most wonderful life imaginable and become the most fabulous person possible? It’s obvious that most of us are holding back in some way. We let little worries get in the way of living our passions. We build our lives around fears and hesitations, as much as we build them around our hopes and dreams. I know I’ve held back. What would happen if I gave myself complete permission to have everything I want in life and to be a stunningly divine person? I know there must be a lot of reasons why I don’t do this. I think fear of outpacing other people is part of it. I don’t want to be a target for anyone to vent their own dissatisfaction and discouragement.

But none of my friends would do that! And if they did…I think I could listen to them lovingly without feeling bad about my own glorious life. Strangers might criticize me. People I don’t know very well might hate me for my good fortune. But, the people I love would mostly just be happy for me…and they are the only ones I care about.

This brings me to a question I’ve been flirting with since I got fired. What am I going to be, now that I’m grown up?

I don’t want to be a drug-dealer any more. I worked my ass off for 18 months to get my first job in pharmaceutical sales. For a year and a half I researched and networked and applied for jobs on-line. I wrote and re-wrote resumes, cover letters, and 90 day action plans. I drove from Colorado to California a dozen times for interviews, sleeping in my car and showering at Twenty-Four Hour Fitness. I stalked job fairs and harassed friends for contacts in the industry. All this time, I had to keep producing top numbers in my Deep Rock Water position, because current sales success was a necessary asset in the minds of hiring managers.

Finally getting hired at Ortho-McNeil Neurologics didn't give me a chance to slow down and savor my achivement. I had been told, and it is true, “You work your ass off your first year in pharma!” The products and the political climate surrounding them are so complex that on-the-job training is like mini-medical school, mini-law school and an intensive health insurance seminar all rolled into one. I didn’t mind. I knew what I was getting into and would have happily worked my ass off for another 12 months if I’d had the chance. Sadly, I was laid off six months from my hire date. I then learned, at this particular company, people loose their jobs every year in massive pre-holiday “re-organizations.”

I started my hunt all over and got a job at Boehringer Ingelheim Pharmaceuticals Incorporated. This was a change for the better. BIPI is a family owned German company, with a supportive people-positive corporate culture and historically few layoffs. I was happy there for a year and a half. Then they announced that they were considering layoffs. I wasn’t concerned. I worked in a different division and my job wouldn’t be affected. Also, they promised to do everything possible to avoid it.

As far as I can tell, “everything possible” included strategically firing people if a technically sound reason for doing so existed. I’d made a minor paperwork error in May, that came back to haunt me in July. I was fired for, as they put it, “falsifying records.” I’ve heard of several other people who were, like me, shocked to suddenly loose their jobs with BIPI. I hope they have all found it to be as positive a life-change as I have. I hope none of them got diagnosed with cancer on the same day.

Here are the reasons I don’t want to work in pharma anymore.

1. Even though I worked so hard to get and keep these positions, I seem to keep losing them. Further personal investment in this industry seems like a poor risk with little chance of paying off.

2. I’m bitter after loosing two jobs in as many years. I doubt I could summon genuine enthusiasm at an interview, and I refuse to fake it.

3. I’m sick of driving. I traveled almost a thousand miles a week in my company car. True, I was driving along one of the most beautiful corridors of highway in the U.S. and I never had to deal with traffic. But, all that road time makes it nearly impossible to keep a good work/life balance. Also, I was beginning to feel personally responsible for global warming; I filled up my gas tank every other day!

4. I was starting to have integrity issues. My recent manager kept encouraging me to use a study-based sales aid that boasted, “93% of patients taking the 80 millligram dose achieved their blood pressure goal!” This sounds great, but is a total misrepresentation of the data in the study. It inspired me to come up with this joke:

Q. How many drug reps does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. It must take only one, because of all the people still standing in the room after the light bulb had been changed, 100% of them had been successful at it!

So, I don't have any answer yet to my "What do I want to do?" question. But, I do know this:

I can't live off my savings for too much longer. I don't want to sell drugs. I do want to have the most fabulous life imaginable.

Any suggestions?