Surgeon # 2

I tried to tell myself I wasn't stupid for walking out of my appointment with Dr. H. I tried to tell my self that if he wouldn't listen to my perspective on whether or not I felt prepared for the appointment, he wouldn't have listened to my perpective about more important stuff, like cutting my breast open, or cutting it off. I tried to believe that I didn't need to settle for medical care that didn't make me feel safe. I tried to believe that I'd done the right thing, but I still felt stupid.

I blamed myself for not asking more questions when I made the appointment. I blamed myself for letting him hug me. I blamed myself for loosing my temper.

But what it really came down to was...I didn't want that man to touch me. I especially didn't want him to touch me with my shirt off. I more especially didn't want him to touch my naked breasts. I most especially didn't want him to touch me where I had a weird lump that made me feel creepy and sometimes hurt.

Resigned to waiting another two weeks for an consultation, I called Dr. Rocco's office in Santa Maria. A fellow drug rep had recommened her to me. I figured I'd give her a try, even though it meant an extra hour of driving. Thank God I did.

Suzzanna answered the phone. I told her I was a new patient who had recently been diagnosed with ductal carcinoma in situ, and that I'd like to schedule an appointment with the Doctor for as soon as practical.

"Can you come in today?" she asked.

It was like the sun came out from behind the clouds in the middle of June Gloom. It was like getting a birthday present from a friend who thinks you're an Aquarius instead of a Pisces. It was like waiting to get on a really good rollercoaster, and suddenly everyone ahead of you in line decides to go get on the ferris wheel instead.

Mom and I spent about 3 hours in the waiting room. Then we spent another 20 minutes or so in the exam room. We got spacey and grumpy, but it was mostly from low blood sugar. I don't think we'd had any lunch. I stole the last two hershey's kisses from the bowl in the hallway. That helped a little.

After that day, we always packed snacks when we went to a medical appointment, because you never know how long you might have to wait.

I really didn't mind that we had to wait for so long. I was just so delighted that they had squeezed us into their schedule with no notice at all.

When Dr. Rocco finally appeared, I forever gave up feeling guilty for walking out on Dr.H.

I do not think it's an exagerration at all to say that Dr. Rocco saved my life, and that, if it came down to it, Dr. H probably wouldn't have.