August 11th Third day of recovery

Today is a bad day.

The first day after surgery was okay. I took lots of drugs and watched my favorite movies. Good friends stopped by to check in on me and bring me home-made treats. Flowers were delivered. Mom and my ex (who I still love so much) babied me all day long.

The second day after surgery was okay too. It was Sunday. I slept alot. More friends. More movies. More food. More flowers. I cried because the whole thing has been sad and scary. I cried because I feel so loved and supported by such incredible wonderful people. I cried and felt better.

Now it's Monday; the first business day of my new cancer-free life. I thought I'd feel better enough by now to stop taking the Vicodin and smarten-up for a while. After all, I've got stuff to do! I've been putting off really dealing with the other half of my double whammy for a full month now. It's time to get a job and a car and rent my house out and file for unemployment and write about ten thousand thank you notes!

Instead of getting a good night's sleep, I woke up at 1:00 am with a serious headache, the kind that feels like there is an iron band around your head and it is much much much much MUCH too tight. I took some ibuprofen and went back to bed.

I woke up around 7:30 feeling like I'd been beat up. It hurts a little where I had the surgery, but mostly my whole body is cramped up and achey from walking, sitting and laying down funny all weekend. I want SO much to lift things with both hands, put a shirt on over my head and take a nap on my right side. I want to tear off all the dressing and tape and scratch myself silly. I want my head to stop hurting!

I managed to do a little paperwork. I posted an ad on craigslist so someone will come and live in my house and pay my rent for me. I filled out the form to appeal the decision of the Employment Development Department of California so that maybe I can collect unemployment afterall. I balanced by checkbook and paid my bills.

Then I just lost it. I feel so crummy. I feel so angry and crabby and mean and ugly and I just hate everyone and everything and wish I could take a shower. (I can't because the dressing can't get wet.) I cried some more but it wasn't the kind of crying that feels like a relief and things seem brighter when you stop. I cried and it felt awful to cry and I still felt awful when I stopped. I just feel awful and I can't say exactly why and I can't say exactly what would make me feel better.

It is weird to have this huge bandage and sore spot and know that I am healing, but that even when I'm "all better" and they remove the bandage I'm not going to be good as new. There's going to be part of me missing. I feel like a silly whiney baby being so upset about it. I'm so glad I don't have cancer and so lucky it was never life-threatening. I'm so grateful I didn't have to go through chemotherapy and that I had such nice people taking care of me in the hospital.

I don't feel like I won't be pretty or sexy or desirable anymore.
I don't feel like some part of my life is going to be worse now that I only have one breast.
I don't know why I'm so angry and upset.

But I am, and I thought I'd write about it because so much of the stuff I read about getting through cancer is UPBEAT and POSITIVE and sometimes I just want to read about how much it really sucks.

I guess I should have expected to feel like this today. It's the first day after my surgery that I'm not all drugged up. Of course this would be the day that I would have a whole bunch of ugly confusing feelings come up. I wish I had given myself permission in the beginning of the day to just do nothing today but have these feelings and do what I needed to do to deal with them. I wish I hadn't struggled to "get a grip" and be my business-minded, take-charge self.

I'm going to give myself permission now and have popcorn for supper and watch Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion and A Room With a View.

P.S.
I told Mom, "I'm crabby today. I'm upset and grumpy and hate everything." She just looked at me all loving and kind and said, "Okay sweetie." I know some of you might try to argue with me on this point, but I am sure I am right...I have the best mom in the world.