August 19th Landmark Day

I don’t know what other people need when they are recovering from surgery, but one thing I need is lots and lots of sleep. In my old, pre-cancer life, I would wake up at about 6 am to pee, and just stay awake. But lately, I have to go back to bed for 2 or 3 more hours. Each time, it seems like I crawl back into bed all blurry-brained and try to curl up on my right side. Of course, this hurts so much that I whimper and wiggle my way back over to my left side. (Just turning over is really difficult when one whole side of your upper body is this weak and sore.) But, yesterday was a landmark day! After curling up on my right side, I thought to myself, “Oh no! I did it again.” But then I realized that it didn’t hurt and I actually stayed in that position and fell asleep! It was so satisfying.

It didn’t hurt at all…but it did feel odd. My body feels so different on that side; empty, stripped. It’s really clear that I’m missing something but because of the way my nerves are healing right now…it’s not obvious what I’m missing. I guess that accounts for my first thought upon waking up later that morning.

Ever since Dr. Rocco told me that my second lump was malignant and that I would need such drastic treatment, my first conscious thought has been the same. I open my eyes and think, “A mastectomy! How awful. I just can’t believe it!” It’s a dismal way to start the morning. But, yesterday was different. I opened my eyes and thought, “I can’t believe I had to have my right arm amputated. How awful. My whole life is going to be so different now. How will I type?” Then, as I considered the dilemma of typing with only my left arm, my brain woke up all the way and I realized… “I didn’t have my arm amputated! I only had a mastectomy! Thank goodness!” I jumped out of bed completely happy and deeply relieved.

Yesterday was also a landmark day because for the first time I was able to put both my hands behind my back and fasten my own bra. I feel really independent now! I guess I’ll be okay when C. leaves at the end of the week and I go back to living alone.

Yes, I will be okay…but I won’t be happy about it! Who is going to sit across from me at the kitchen table, clicking away on her own laptop while I write these journal entries? Who is going to lounge outside with me, sharing beautiful, healthy meals and appreciating our excellent Mediterranean climate. Who is going to engage in serious battles of silly string with me? And even more importantly…who else is tall enough to reach up with a spatula and scrape the silly string off the ceiling the next morning?