How I Found My Lump

I did not perform regular breast self exams. Once in a great while I'd paddle at my breasts with my fingertips, looking for cancerous lumps. Of course, I didn't want to ever find any and the best way not to find something is not to look for it, so I didn't paddle very often.

In the earlier part of the year, I had a tiny patch of rough skin on my nipple. I only noticed it if I was topless and raised my arm in front of me, close enough for the sensitive skin of my inner arm to graze the surface of my breast. It felt rough on my arm instead of soft and smooth. I put some extra lotion on it for a few days and it went away. After a week or so, it came back. I used lotion on it again, and forgot about it. I now know that this was probably my fist sign of breast cancer. At the time I had no idea.

In May, I started to feel a twinge inside my breast. It was hard to explain to people. It wasn't painful and it wasn't there all the time. Most often I said, "It feels like the sound of someone dragging their fingernails across a blackboard. The sound doesn't physically hurt your ears, but my goodness it's unpleasant." For a week I tried to ignore it.

On Sunday the 25th, while taking an evening shower, I decided to look for a lump. I found one. It felt about the size of a super-bouncy ball, but squishy. It was in the very center of my breast, right behind my nipple. I think this is why I had that twingey sensation. It must have been hitting a nerve or something. Thank goodness, because otherwise I don't know when I would have found it. I might have found it too late.

Standing in that shower with the lump between my thumb and forefingers, I started to cry. I cried because I thought I might have cancer and I was scared. But, I wasn't afraid of cancer. I wasn't afraid of surgery and chemo and maybe even dying. I was scared of being alone. I had moved across the country less than two years ago. Since then, the love of my life (so far) had "fallen into the arms of someone calm" and moved out. I now lived by myself in a small two bedroom house three thousand miles from my family. I had lots of friends, but I hadn't known any of them for very long. I knew that if I had cancer I wouldn't be able to handle it all alone. It suddenly dawned on me that I couldn't even handle having a suspicious lump all alone.

Luckily, I was not at home by myself. I was in Maryland at a three day peace-monger (I just made up that word) workshop. The participants at this workshop were all emotionally courageous people who are devoted to facing their fears and also to being present and connected with other people. Even though it was late, I was able to find a friend there who was willing to stay up with me. She sat next to me and held my hand and just let me cry and talk about how scared I felt. After about twenty minutes I felt a lot better. I remembered that my next door neighbors are kind and generous people who would probably come over to check on me and bring me casseroles if I needed them. This made me feel like I could face cancer if I had to and I went to bed.

The next day, the workshop ended and I caught a ride to the part of Maryland where I grew up. I was going to stay with my mom for the next week. I wanted to tell her about the lump, but I knew the first thing she would say would be..."you'd better call your doctor and make an appointment!" So, I waited until I could sneak away with my phone, called my OB/GYN for the appointment and then told her about it. I recommend this technique. We were both able to relax and enjoy our week together, knowing I'd done everything I could do about it for the moment.

Some one recently told me that women wait an average of 6 months after finding a lump before they make an appointment to have it checked out. I've gotten a lot of praise for being so prompt, but I didn't really have any choice. That twingey feeling was driving me nuts.